BY TEKA LARK
I found the hottest thing
Hotter than cocaine in 1988
Hotter than a 14-year-old having sex with her mom’s new boyfriend
Hotter than taking Dexedrine
and completing one hundred typed pages of nonsense on hour 52 of no sleep
Hotter than a drunken orgy with your English professor, that brilliant guy who snorted the blood
out of your heart,
and that underage kid from the early entry program.
And it’s easy, pretty easy
So easy, it’s like God wants you to do it
Like he wants you to have sex
And he wants you to smoke pot
And he wants you to boil coca leaves and drink them in a tea
God wants you to get addicted to hot stuff,
if he didn’t he wouldn’t have made the hot stuff so easy
And it’s pretty easy and it’s old school
Sodom and Gomorrah old school
It’s Cain and Abel old school.
It’s the new hot thing
Is it morbid?
Of course it is
Is it thin?
It’s hot, so it has to be
Is it illegal?
Sure it is, but so was pot five years ago
Is it vegan?
I’m not sure
But murder is exciting and easy, pretty easy.
I remember the first time I murdered someone,
I met them at a library after taking massive amounts of amphetamines,
Then because of my charming personality
I invited them back to my place
And then when they sat down on my couch
And said the code word,
They didn’t know it was the code word,
that wouldn’t have been hot or any fun,
it would have been like having sex with someone who’s kind of drunk,
but they insist on finishing
That’s annoying and not so hot or easy.
So after they said the codeword
I offed them.
“Oh man, they’re dead,” but you know at the same time “Wow, they’re dead and I did that.”
It was such a feeling of accomplishment
Like when I convinced the doctor that I was ok (even though I wasn’t)
and I got to go home
and hang out with this guy I saw a lot at that time
He was brilliant
He was into eyegazing.
I extinguished a human life,
like I did when I put out that grease fire when I was a RA,
I helped with population control,
that’s a true need.
And I realized it was easy, pretty easy.
Most people don’t really care if their neighbor never talks to them again
or if their mother stops calling them forever.
My mother stopped calling me, but I didn’t kill her,
she killed herself,
but the phone calls did stop.
I’ve murdered lots of mothers and fathers too
and a bunch of neighbors,
especially the ones with the loud barking dogs who always have the Internet porn up to the
and with those people you get a sort of two for one,
because house pets need alive owners.
And most people are nice to loud neighbors, they’re usually pretty nice
They start off normally with a polite semianonymous note:
Could you quiet it down, while I know that your unemployment status has made the Internet your best friend, I have job, that I am trying to keep in order to keep the cost of my prescriptions at a minimum, though I’m pretty sure I could steal some from my 25 year old stepmother, but I want to be independent, because I’m an adult and I’m responsible, I am a teacher, I teach the future, so if you care about the future could you turn your best friend down, just a little?
I have headphones, you can borrow them.
Usually that just makes them louder and encourages them to buy more pets!
When you murder that person, you know, no one cares, everyone’s happy, no more loud pet sounds, no more faint chanting of reality TV or the staged moanings of porn coming
It’s almost as if it was as God intended,
and it’s easy, pretty easy,
like scoring drugs
or finding someone skanky to have sex with at a bar
And it’s therapeutic
And it’s so easy.
When you kill someone
you get a little piece
of their soul
It’s like the tantra
My best friend, is easy and pretty,
I met her at the hospital
We keep in touch
Giving each other advice on how to appear OK.
She doubted the sensation, but I showed her how to do it, because it’s easy, it’s pretty easy and now she has murdered more people than me
she’s lost ten more pounds.
All the more reason to participate,
you can never be too thin, now can you?
It’s better than paleo for your metabolism.
Her husband won’t let her talk to me anymore,
He says I’m a bad influence
He thinks she’s having an affair with me
I’m sure he doesn’t know about the murdering thing
But I email her at her secret account
So you should try it, it’s the new hot thing and it’s easy, it’s pretty easy.
Teka Lark is a journalist, poet and satirist based in the L.A. suburb of Inglewood. She is the founder of the Blk Grrrl Book Fair and the author of the upcoming book, Queen of Inglewood, to be published by Punk Hostage Press.